I have crossed the mystic desert
To snap pictures of the poor
I've invited them to brunch
Let them crash out on my floor
There's sunshine in my veins
My kitchen's filled with flies
I'm crying out in vain
Like a little African child
Trapped in me
There's a little African child trapped in me
All of these blowjobs in limousines
Why do they matter, what do they mean
To the little African child trapped in me?
This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set
of international rock star Aldous Snow's
new music video, African Child.
I was watching the news one day
and I saw footage about, well,
a war in I think it was Darfur
or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them.
And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?"
And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.
Aldous' long time girl friend and mother of their son, Naples,
model pop star Jackie Q.
He's really passionate.
He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it.
And about, like, potentially going there.
When they were putting together this costume, I said,
"Imagine an African, white Christ from space. "
And this is what they came back with,
an African, white space Christ.
That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know.
Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ.
That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people...
That's for other people to say if they think I'm...
They think I'm like Jesus.
Ride me inside me supertight
Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite
Ride me inside me supertight
Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite
Ride me inside me supertight
Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite
Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career,
and your very own perfume line.
How do you find balance with your family life?
Naples is a darling.
Really cool!
He's so gorgeous.
And Aldy's the best father.
What do you love most about Aldous?
I just love his energy and insight.
The way he says my name and...
Jackie.
Oh, don't.
You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child.
Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.
When people look back at musical history,
they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child. "
That's what they'll probably say.
Trapped in me
Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to Showbiz Tonight.
Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?
Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke.
I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.
Great. And you, Jackie?
I'm actually a bit bored, you know.
We've been sober now seven years together.
And it's been a real adjustment for me,
you know, the difference in lifestyle.
You know, he works out all day
getting every part of his body really hard.
Except one part's missing, you know? One part.
- I think that through all that... - Jackie. Have you been drinking today?
I've had a few fucking drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.
- Yeah. - But that... You know, whatever.
- You know, arrest me. But it's really boring. - Jackie. Jackie.
The old Aldous would have, you know, had his way with you.
Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way.
And now we'd be having a three-way.
You'd be coming over for a cognac later, I'll tell you that, sweetie.
But that's not happening anymore.
Do you want me to start drinking again? Is that what you'd like?
- Do you want to return to that? - Maybe you should.
I'll do lines off her forehead
while I'm in her up to my nuts.
- If that's what you want. - I'm just saying.
Tell you what, time to invest in Jack Daniel's,
'cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon.
Drinking gin at half past 5:00
Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye
I vomit Jäger on her pasty thighs
Do a runner when her fella arrives
Drop the pills, I'm off me crust
Meet the lads, I'm coming up
The misbehaving singer appeared on MTV News this weekend
to leak some exciting info.
Let's get fucked, let's get fucked
Let's get fucked up on the town
Let's get fucked, let's get fucked
Let's get fucked up on the town
Aldous Snow’s father and former manager, Jonathan Snow,
has written a tell-all book.
Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.
Yeah, he managed me while I was in his testicles.
The minute he ejaculated, the management ended.
No, I don't fucking miss it! I'll show you what it's like.
Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on TMZ!
Let's get fucked, let's get fucked
Let's get fucked up on the town
Let's get fucked, let's get fucked
Let's get fucked up on the town
Let's have fun, let's have fun Let's have fun up on the town
Called a cab, back to mine Same routine every time
Okay, I'm up. I'm up!
Hey, Daph, how was work?
I can't talk. Too tired.
Is that blood on your scrubs?
Probably.
This guy's heart just went, like...
It was like something out of Saw.
You want me to get you an Ambien?
Oh, God, no. I have to be back there at noon.
- At noon? - Mmm-hmm.
That sucks, babe, I'm sorry.
It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault.
Okay.
What do you want? Whale, wave or mountain stream?
All of them. Really loud.
There you go.
Thank you, sweetie, I love you.
You're welcome.
I got you an eggy thingy.
I took a bite out of it and it's kind of cold, but it's still good.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
You want to tape ourselves having sex
for two hours before I go to work?
You're so funny. I love you.
No? Are you sure?
I've always wanted to have sex with the Lone Ranger I the Hamburglar.
No, I'll see you tonight.
Okay. Have a good day.
I love you, Aaron, so much.
- Good night. - You're funny.
Oi! I'm a love dealer You want to score
I'll give you my number So give me a call
You're looking so lonely There's no need to be
Let me introduce you to my family
What's up? How's it going?
What's up, man? I went to that Jay-Z listening party last night.
Was it crazy? Was it insane? Was the album incredible?
I don't know. I got there late.
But there was this sweet after-after-party
back at Jay-Z's house. It was insane.
I ate cheese off some girl's titties.
Just lie to me and tell me it wasn't the best night of all time.
Yeah, it was, man. That party was dope.
Yeah. Dude, I used Jay-Z's bidet.
Yeah. We went into their bathroom.
Jay-Z and Beyoncé have these two bidets right next to each other,
so they can sit there and hold hands
while they get their bungus's cleaned out.
You used Jay-Z and Beyoncé's matching his and hers bidets?
Jigga Man's bidet.
Did you hear? Killtown Records just fired 80% of their employees.
- So what? I'm safe. - I'm safe.
I'm in the jazz game.
Sergio doesn't even know your name.
Good. I'm like background noise. Just like jazz.
Let me put it like this, little boys, replaceable, replaceable,
replaceable, jazz.
We gotta thicken our revenue stream.
We gotta thicken our fucking stream.
We gotta thicken the fuck out of that stream right now.
Shit is serious out here.
The music business is failing. The bubble done pop!
Whose phone is that?
- It's my phone, man. - That's your phone?
It's mine, yeah.
Answer it.
Definitely.
What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now.
He forced me to answer it in the middle of this meeting in order to humiliate me.
Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now.
Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30.
I gotta go right now, though. Bye.
I apologize about that.
Throw that phone out of my office.
Please don't make me do that.
Throw the phone out of my office.
Throw that fucking phone out of my office!
Right on.
Y'all think this meeting is for me.
No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all.
See, see, I'm gonna be all right.
I'm straight. I got villas in Brazil, Tahiti,
East Hampton, Westhampton.
Sergio gonna be fine!
Fuck the recession.
I own 20 Koo Koo Roos.
Twenty-one, sir.
I own 21 Koo Koo Roos.
Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one.
Not one. Y'all are fucked.
You all are fucked!
He's not wrong.
Everyone loves chicken. I'm doing fine.
Please, people, help me help you.
Y'all need to come up with some brilliant ideas right now.
Who's first?
Me first, Sergio.
There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC,
it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude.
We buy that shit, we're not just selling the ring tones,
we're selling the fucking hardware, bitch.
Does this look like a telephone company to you?
We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless.
Anybody here know anything about Cingular's wireless broadband,
any of that fucking phone shit?
- No. - Well, you know something, you should.
Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.
I just discovered the next Alicia Keys.
I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.
- The next Alicia Keys. - Yeah.
What was your last discovery?
Chocolate Daddy.
I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?
Chocolate Daddy.
Yeah, Chocolate motherfucking Daddy.
He discovered Chocolate Daddy.
How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?
Fifteen thousand units.
I'm proud of every unit.
I'm proud of those units.
- I'm telling you, this girl is... - Shut the fuck up.
- This girl... - Don't talk.
- She got a... - Shut the fuck up, man. Please.
- I'm not gonna talk anymore. - Shut the fuck up!
Fifteen thousand units!
You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units!
I got six fucking kids!
You know how much money that is to put them through school?
You know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear?
I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now.
You. What you so quiet for?
Just thinking of ideas.
That's what we need. We need ideas.
Share. Share with the group.
Okay.
Next month is the 10-year anniversary of
Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre,
which is one of the highest selling live albums of all time.
And if we did some sort of anniversary concert...
I did the figures, and it can generate
millions of dollars in revenue.
So you think one show is gonna change our game.
Well, we simulcast on HBO, Facebook.
We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event.
And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog,
which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks
and a live DVD of the concert.
Come on. We need a game changer.
And Aldous Snow is not it.
Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.
With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.
He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music,
and that's how we can succeed.
And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again.
That's why we're all in this business, right?
To... 'Cause we're fans?
That's really nice.
Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer.
Play that shit.
This is a game changer right here.
Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm so tired. Oh, my God.
You look pretty.
Thank you!
It was such a crazy day.
I can't wait to watch, like, a hundred hours of Gossip Girl.
Me, too.
Yay!
Or instead of that,
we could go see The Pixies and The Mars Volta play a show.
I don't think I can do it tonight.
I have to be back at the hospital at, like, 6:00 a. m.
And who's Mars Volta, again?
Oh.
I don't think it's worth me being tired over.
Just stay and watch Gossip Girl with me.
Okay, well, then if you fall asleep,
then I get to go to the concert?
If you stay, I'll have sex with you.
I feel like you're blackmailing me
with your genitals. That's not fair.
Well, then do it to me.
Listen, if you don't go to that concert,
you don't get any of my penis tonight.
I think I'm gonna stay home.
- Doesn't work with the penis. - No, it's not fair.
- Blackmail does not work with the penis. - It doesn't work.
Inside you are the stars unfurled
I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world
And I need you here And I need to be inside you
Inside you
There's got to be some part of me inside you
Aldous Snow wants to do the show.
- He's interested and available. - Really?
I want you to go to London and pick him up.
Then I want you to take him to New York to the Today Show
to make the announcement about the concert.
Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.
Are you... Are you serious?
Don't smile like that.
It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy
who just discovered his first boner.
I don't have one, so...
This is your fucking moment!
You only get one moment in life.
It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some fucking phone.
- Can you handle it? - Yeah. I can handle the moment.
An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving
motherfucker on the face of the earth.
That's why you have to watch your tushie
while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star.
It's called mind fucking.
You ever been mind fucked before?
I don't think so.
I'm mind fucking you right now.
You are?
Can you feel my dick fucking your mind?
I don't... I can't really feel anything.
See, that's it. That's the art of it!
I'm mind fucking the shit out of you.
I hope you're wearing a condom, 'cause I have a dirty mind.
That was a joke.
This is no time to joke.
Mind fucking is not no joke.
You have to mind fuck Aldous Snow.
He's a drug addict, Aaron.
You have to show him balance.
People want to see him fucked up,
but they don't want to see him too fucked up.
If this is fucked up and this is sober,
right here, that's the perfect balance right there.
- Not here. Right here. - Okay.
Do you like his music?
I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.
No. No. No. You love African Child.
Your mother loves African Child.
It's your girlfriend's favorite album.
You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.
Okay. Yeah, I love African Child.
- So lie to him. - No.
We don't lie to people. We don't do that.
We just believe in valid truths.
Okay.
Do you like African Child?
Hell, fucking no.
It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made.
What the fuck you calling me? A house nigger?
Do I look like African Child?
I don't... No.
You just called me a fucking house nigger.
No. I don't think you're a house N-word.
- No. I wasn't... - No, I don't like fucking African Child.
But if he asks me if I like African Child,
I love that shit! I play that shit in my fucking sleep.
I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.
Okay. I got it.
But, no, I don't love African Child.
Don't ever ask me that fucking question again.
Okay. I understand.
From the minute you touch down in London,
you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow
to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles.
Do you understand me?
Yes. Definitely.
Your flight leaves in three hours from LAX.
Please, do a good job.
Where is she?
Right there.
Hey.
Hi, sweetie.
I have amazing news. Let's go get some coffee.
I think I was asleep.
Go back to sleep. I'll carry you to coffee, okay?
You're funny.
- You're funny. - You're funny.
Sergio was just so awesome.
He was like, "You got one moment, and here's your moment. "
And it was like 8 Mile. You know? And he's letting me do this!
I mean, I get to spend one-on-one time with Aldous Snow.
Aldous Snow! I mean, how awesome is that?
Wow, that's awesome.
I feel like I have all these ideas for his sound specifically.
You know, I could help resurrect the guy's career.
You know? I mean, it's incredible. It's, like, my dream.
I have some kind of big news, too.
I got offered a residency,
a place in a residency program, at East Seattle General.
So, if I rank it first, then I can get matched there,
which is pretty good.
Like Seattle, Seattle?
Yeah. It's really, really nice there.
And it's a bigger staff, so they have better call schedules,
so we could actually spend some time together. It's so nice!
I'm sorry.
You want to... You want to... You want to move to Seattle?
Well, yeah. To work in the hospital.
To work in the hospital there, yeah.
What am I gonna do in Seattle?
Oh, my God, there's tons of music stuff in Seattle.
Nirvana! Nirvana came from Seattle.
Can you not see how it's a little alarming
that you've just decided that I'm moving to Seattle?
Do you have an extra scalpel?
Do you want to cut my balls off
and put them in your pocket so you don't just metaphorically own them,
you can physically hold them in your pocket?
I mean, I feel like a '50s housewife right now. Like my dreams don't count.
You're like Michael Jackson's dad. You're abusing me right now.
Okay. You know what? We should just... We're gonna table this.
We're gonna table it because I can't...
Guess what. Just on a side note, I had an idea today.
You're moving to Africa.
Listen. You know how hard I've been working for this.
You know I am killing myself in this internship.
This hospital will be beautiful in Seattle, and it will be good for us.
That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be hurtful.
I'm just saying that I think it will be good for us,
so we're moving to Seattle! - I don't want to move to Seattle...
We're moving! We're moving to Seattle.
No. We're not moving to Seattle.
Great. So maybe we should just take some time.
Are you having your period or something?
I'm sorry, what?
Are you on your period or something?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hey! Aaron Green, yeah? From Pinnacle.
- Hey, man! Hey! - Yes.
Wow. What?
Okay. Oh, two. Right.
Europe.
Europe. Yeah. So, the Greek concert.
- In about three days? - Three days.
Yeah, Aldous is really excited. We all are. This is fantastic.
I'm so ready!
- What? - Cheerio!
Great.
I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
Okay, come in, come in.
- Cool. - He's gonna be a moment.
Just go and wait for him outside on the terrace.
I shouldn't have done that.
This is awesome.
Hey!
I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star.
Oh, man! I mean, your place is great!
This is gonna be so much fun.
- We're gonna travel together... - Who are you, mate?
I'm sorry. I'm Aaron Green.
What are you doing in me house?
I'm from Pinnacle.
I'm here to take you to the 10-year anniversary show at the Greek.
That's not for another two months.
Mum?
- Yeah? - This joker's here
to change the date of the Greek concert.
Why would they do that?
Duffy!
- Yeah? - Remember that concert in Los Angeles?
- Yeah. - It's supposed to be in two months, isn't it?
Yeah, two months.
Two months, right, exactly. They've changed it.
What?
We had spoken about it.
I've never seen you before in my life.
I don't like change. I don't like it when things change.
It's unsettling, isn't it?
Would you like a biscuit?
Or a lolly? Codeine?
Mum, Duffy, just objectively, is this fair?
- No. - No.
It's not, is it? I'm not being unreasonable.
- No. - No.
- He is. - Yeah.
Yes.
Sorry I changed the date.
Finally!
- Finally, he admits it. - That's my bad.
That's better. That's better that you've apologized,
'cause now we can start to rebuild.
- Duffy? - Yeah?
Get us a couple of lagers, mate.
It really is so nice to meet you. I'm a lifelong fan.
This lager hits the spot.
We should probably get going if we're gonna catch that 6:00 p. m. flight to JFK.
Aldy, by the way, whatever happened to Jackie?
She was such a darling girl. She was so polite. I always liked her.
Did you? I really liked Dad. Where is he?
Fuck off, Aldous. Your dad's a piece of shit moocher.
You see how she talks about me dad? Imagine that.
Anyways, we really should get...
He had a heart attack last month, my dad.
Look how she mugs him off. Disgusting.
Well, if you like the bastard so much,
why don't you go and visit him when you're in America?
Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll pop over and bond with him.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I'd love that.
Cut you out of the equation, you old bag.
We really...
We should get going if we're gonna catch the flight.
I'm only joking. I love you, Mummy.
I'm your special little soldier, ain't I?
Yes, you are. You're my special little boy.
- To Bushmills! - Wow.
Cheers.
Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show,
they want to know what song you want to play.
Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?
That's your call. You're the artist, you know,
whatever you feel like playing.
I'd be really interested, 'cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast.
I'd like to know what you'd be into doing.
If I had to choose, all-time favorite
would be The Clap. That's a classic.
You know, that's...
That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.
Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?
- Yeah. - Great tune.
Yeah, I love African Child.
The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know?
I think maybe we should run to the airport right now,
'cause we're getting close.
Change it to the next one.
Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?
I disagree with what you're saying!
- Bollocks! - I disagree highly!
Oh, no.
Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous.
Aldous, here!
Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.
So we're going on the next one?
This is why we delay flights. For this!
What's up, man?
Hey.
I'm here with Aldous Snow, so we have a table in the back.
Great.
Feel free to bring Professor Snape.
Come by. We'll play some late-night Quidditch.
Just leave it. Yeah.
Right? Not everyone cares.
Excuse me.
Aldous. Hey. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
- What? What are you doing? - I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
- What's this? - Listen, hey, listen.
It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a. m. flight.
- Aaron. - I don't...
See them two girls? Just there?
I want to fuck them two girls. Do you?
Yeah, they seem awesome.
They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not?
I don't want to think about that right now, man.
That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.
You're in a long-term relationship, right?
No, just ended, actually. See, my...
Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here
and have possibly the time of your life?
Fuck!
Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?
- I don't know. - What was your ex?
- Brunette. - Blonde it is.
Here we go!
- Thank you. - Cheers.
Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?
Why?
- Oh, yes! - Oh, God.
My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet!
I'm falling in the toilet!
I'm falling into the toilet!
That was great. Awesome.
Chase me!
It's better than Christmas!
No, shut up.
Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!
- All right. - Can you give me the key, please?
I love you.
We've seen not much of that today.
Toss it!
And there it goes.
The hoop goes wide.
Oh, no.
We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?
Will you excuse me one sec?
Do you mind driving faster, please?
Would you like me to take the Chiswick Roundabout
through Hounslow and Staines?
What is this, fucking Middle-earth?
Just take us to the airport, okay?
- Come on! - All right, sir.
Run! Run! Run!
Run! Just, try and keep up.
- Final boarding call... - Just keep up.
Hold the plane! We're here!
Aaron. Aaron.
Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep.
You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.
- My leg. - Don't sleep so often.
Cheers, mate.
Thank you for waking me up.
Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?
I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?
Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks.
People are, "Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over,
"he's in his greatest hits era. "
Don't listen to that shit. I love all your albums.
Do you love the album African Child?
Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.
Aaron. NME said that African Child
was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture
since the Rodney King beatings.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third
behind famine and war
as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.
I find that hard to believe,
but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...
Come on, mate. You know, open up.
It seems as if on your last album
you kind of went in the studio and just did
whatever the producer asked you to do.
Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.
Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars,
a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.
- Vocals, yes! Yes. - And that's it.
And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.
That's what all your fans love.
It's just every artist has this one album
that's just not good, and that's it.
Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like,
"What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist?
"What the fuck was he thinking?"
Don't fucking talk to me like that, you little prick.
I'm so sorry.
In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work,
don't rip out their fucking gizzards
and hold it in front of their face.
What are you? What do you know?
I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, what you did was very spiteful.
But it was also very brave and very honest,
and I respect you for doing that,
but the content of what you said has made me hate you.
So there's a layer of respect, admittedly,
for your truthfulness, peppered with hate.
Hateful respect.
I'm sorry.
It's over.
- Scalpel! Now! - But, Doctor!
Hey, I think I used to have sex with her.
Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.
Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind
Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know?
I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show.
I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.
You'll do great.
We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.
Aaron.
Here's a photo of you being sick last night.
And so it is.
Who's this guy? He's really cute.
That's Naples. My son.
The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.
Hey, Sergio.
The 7:00 a. m. flight! What the fuck?
You have lost control of this shit.
- What you think? - Hold on.
I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.
That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.
What are you talkin' about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!
You're five zippers away from Thriller.
And you're one shirt away from Carlton, motherfucker.
Fuck off, Sergio.
You can fuck me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink.
Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.
Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind?
Thanks.
I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program,
so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.
I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. Do you mind?
You enjoying yourself, mate?
- Goddamn. - This ain't cool, what you're doing.
'Cause I need that for the show.
This isn't cool.
Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.
Economist Paul Krugman stops by to give us his take on the economy.
Hey. I'm Aaron.
Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.
But first, our interview and performance
from British rocker Aldous Snow.
We'll be back right after these messages.
- And we're in commercial. - Thanks, guys.
Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow.
It is such a pleasure to finally meet you.
I was getting a little worried. I know you
changed your flights quite a few times.
I didn't think you'd make it.
I apologize for our tardiness.
The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green.
That's why we're late, because of him.
- Aaron! - Hey.
- Come meet Meredith. - Hey, Meredith.
- Oh, my gosh. - It's lovely to meet you.
My mom loves your shit.
There, see?
He looks after me.
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow.
Ready, one, take.
Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years.
Now you are famously not sober.
Are you on something right now?
- Yeah. - You are?
- Yeah. - Several things?
I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.
I have.
I love them.
Aldous, I'm worried about you.
Are you Paul Krugman?
Yeah.
My dad loves your shit.
Thank you.
Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.
I don't know the lyrics to African Child.
You're funny as shit, man.
I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics.
I can't remember what the lyrics are.
They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.
Are they, mate? What are they?
Yeah...
Across the mystic desert
Is a desert that is mystic
No! That's not the lyrics.
- I don't know. - Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds.
- I will figure this out. Don't worry. - You started this.
I am herewith Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow.
I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.
Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...
...artistically fulfilling.
Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.
Yes.
- Hey, man. - What's up?
Do you know the lyrics to African Child?
I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.
I need the lyrics to African Child!
Yes, in a way. Although, in another way, no.
Well, we all want you... We want you to sing.
What are the lyrics to African Child?
- I guess I'm gonna. - Okay, he's gonna sing.
- We'll be right back with Aldous Snow. - I'm gonna.
It is a wonderful day here in New York City.
We are seconds away from Aldous Snow
performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.
I can't... Sorry, Meredith!
Oh, boy.
And now, Aldous.
Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow.
And this is African Child.
Oh, fuck.
Take three. Can you hit the delay?
- Oh, shit. - I'm sorry.
I want to... Do you remember The Clap?
Play The Clap.
One, two, three, four!
We got the clap
You got the clap We cooked the rocks
You took the smack Ah, yeah
We love you!
We got the itch You got the scratch
Burns, burns, burns Like the head of a match
You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah
We got the clap
We got it
I got the clap!
I got the clap, too!
I'm so shitfaced.
What's going on? My gosh.
We got the clap You got the clap
Wiped my face on the welcome mat
We got the clap Can't be beat
Got it off the back of a toilet seat
Shake your hips Mind your feet
We got the clap
We got it
Oh, no.
Tell the West Coast they gotta trim the balls.
Ready, one, take.
We got the clap Can't be beat
We got the clap
We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!
- Aldous! - Aldous!
Pandemonium!
Oh, man! That was awesome!
- So cool. - I enjoyed that.
I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?
The Clap. Great idea!
You rocked that shit!
- It was amazing. - It was crazy, man. That is so fucking crazy.
Oh, man.
Central Park is beautiful.
Are you sure you should do that, man.
We're on our way to the airport.
Let's go jogging!
Come on, join in with me.
No, I don't... This... You know...
Please! For us, our friendship.
Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll use it.
I would grind that. I would ride the shit out of her.
Yeah, I would kiss her face.
Don't take it. Don't take it.
Who is it? Sergio?
- Shit, it's Daphne. - Worse.
- Hey, Daph. - Hey, sweetie.
What's up?
Listen, I'm just calling 'cause I wanted to apologize.
I just slept for, like, 20 straight hours
and I'm feeling really bad,
and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened.
I was out of my mind.
- Okay. - Really?
Yeah. Thanks.
So, I'd like to make it up to you
when you get back from your trip.
Wait, what's up?
I would like to make it up to you.
Fun Daphne got us tickets to Radiohead.
Wait, what's up?
Can you hear me?
I thought we broke up. You broke up with me, right?
Aaron, we live together. We have a home together.
How could you think we were broken up?
Because that's what you said.
You really think that we're broken up right now? What have you been doing?
You know, you're so holier-than-thou about being a doctor.
You know, just 'cause you're a doctor doesn't make you a good person.
The Nazis have doctors, Daphne.
They had Nazi doctors that fixed Nazi legs
so they could walk around being angry, okay?
- So... - What are you talking about?
Aaron! Is it your girlfriend? Let me have a go.
Aaron is very busy now. Press seven for fellatio.
Here you go. Don't hang about.
There's pussy everywhere, mate. I can't do them all.
Hey, that was Aldous.
You know, here's some medical advice from your Nazi doctor.
Herpes is incurable.
I labored under the myth of monogamy for seven years with Jackie,
and it was pointless.
So you only slept with Jackie?
No. No. I mean, I slept with other people,
but I always told her about it.
Monogamy.
I realize now my dad was just a realist.
I used to be angry... All right, love.
I used to be angry 'cause he abandoned me,
but really, he was just being a realist.
You can't remain in that situation.
Your dad lives in, in Vegas, right?
Mmm-hmm. That's right, yeah. He lives there, yeah.
You should invite him... Hello, love.
- Your dad should... - Nice.
You should invite him to the show. You want me to get on that?
I don't know if we really have that type of relationship,
you know, me and my dad.
He always wants something from me. It's a bad idea.
Well, I'm sure he'd love to come see you perform.
Let's put it this way. If I had a concert, my dad would come.
He would come, like, five hours early
and ask all the roadies what town they were from,
and if he knew anybody from their town.
He'd be proud.
He's good. He's a good man.
Yeah. Yeah.
I hate to be a downer, but it's getting really late.
We have a flight early in the morning. Do you mind if...
Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, Aaron!
Have you ever drunk absinthe, like from the 1900s?
- No. - Picasso drank it.
Oi!
Absinthe!
All right, well, we'll take one shot
and then we'll go back to the hotel?
Just a little sip of naughty water,
and we go back to the hotel. Simple.
Aaron! You lost control, motherfucker.
Stampin' on an African child!
Do you like it when I whip you, Aldous?
Why is Moby whipping us?
Whee!
Look, I'm eating my own head.
I accept your apology.
What's Aldous Snow like?
- He's the best. - Hello?
It's sort of like... I'm basically
like his new producer or whatever.
That is so amazing for you!
- Hello? - Why are your boobs different sizes?
'Cause the left...
I don't care either, Daphne.
You live in Seattle, I'll fucking live in New York.
Look how beautiful you are.
Do you see how beautiful you are, Jackie?
I like being so close.
You're so beautiful.
Jackie Q, Jackie Q I love you
Jackie Q
Fucking hell.
Jackie Q, Jackie Q at the barbeque
You silly bastard.
- I love you. - Why don't we make a sex tape?
- 'Cause I don't want to make a sex tape. - Yes.
Fucking hell.
Come on, it'll be fun! Please, Aldous, come on.
I will not call you.
- Let me marry you. - Please, Aldous.
Jackie?
Is that you, Aldous?
No, Aldous Snow has got better things
to do first thing in the morning
than call up an ex-girlfriend.
What are you doing? Where are you?
Just in our old flat, actually.
In New York.
You with anybody?
Some affable nitwit.
Where are you now, Jackie?
Los Angeles.
What are you doing?
Sleeping next to Lars Ulrich.
Lars Ulrich? From Metallica?
Yeah.
Why?
What's Lars packing in the drumstick region?
I can't tell you that right now.
He's sleeping right next to me.
What are you so interested in Lars for, Aldous?
You jealous?
No. I don't get jealous.
I miss you, Aldy.
I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you.
Listen, why don't you be a good girl and put the phone down
next to your vagina, 'cause I need to talk to her.
Hello? Is that Jackie's vagina?
Hello, Aldous.
All right.
How are you? I've missed you.
I'm very well, thank you. I've just come back from Brazil.
What's the weather like?
- It's quite wet down there, actually. - Fuck off.
I really miss your cock, Aldous.
I'm gonna come and see you, Jackie.
I don't think you should, but I do, I really miss you, Aldous.
I'm stuck here with a hard-on.
I don't know what to do with it.
Hey, babe. Who's on the horn?
It's Mum. She's just calling up from London.
Let me take care of this.
Oi, Aldous. It's Lars.
"I'm ashamed that you're with a drummer, Jackie.
"I'd always dreamed that you would marry a front man.
"With charisma. Razzmatazz.
"Rough around the edges, but with stars in his eyes, you know. "
Jackie, your mom kind of sounds like a Monty Python skit.
- Give me the phone back. - Okay. Okay, okay, sorry.
Darling, I've gotta go, all right?
I'll see you later.
I'm coming to see you.
Don't say anything else, all right? I gotta go. Bye.
Get up.
I can't be here anymore now.
Huh?
I can't believe we're actually on time for a flight.
Hey, can you pull over, mate?
Actually, we, we have a flight to catch.
Yeah, no, just pull over here off Linden. I want to get a pretzel.
Dude really wants a pretzel.
He's not getting a pretzel, is he?
Not the kind you put mustard on.
Go, please.
Next in line!
You two traveling together? Okay.
You mind coming in back for a quick exam?
Just come this way, please. Thank you.
I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
What?
Put this into your rectum.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the fuck, man?
What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
- Put it in! Relax your anus. - Stop! Just stop!
Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert.
I'll just get on a plane and go back to London.
The only logical thing to do in this situation
is to put this deep in your asshole.
Please keep the line moving, sir.
My phone is ringing.
Your phone is not ringing.
It's Sergio.
It's not Sergio. There's no one there!
Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio!
Right, mate. Hello!
Hey! The couch is not for jumping!
Aaron, my superstar. Great news.
The concert sold out in 10 fucking minutes.
Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
What kind of health issue?
His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they?
- No. - Babe! I don't see no string cheese!
All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
I don't see no Go-Gurts!
You need to put these shits where I can see them.
He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Then you put the drugs up your ass.
What's the problem?
Please don't make me do that.
This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for.
You are now in the power position.
You hold all the power in your ass.
He will do whatever you want him to do.
Isn't that enabling him?
Yes, that's what we do.
It's only a little bit of heron in your ass.
Nobody's gonna die.
You know what you signed up for.
It's Biggest Loser time It's Biggest Loser time
It's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show
Just give it.
Aaron!
Come on, mate, we ain't got all day.
It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up!
Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
Why did you do this to me?
Out of love.
Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober.
When I was sober, I was worried about,
"Is this the twilight of my career?"
"Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?"
You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?"
Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
Your life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
You're worried about so many things, Aaron.
You're worried about will we get to the show?
Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve?
Mine has on it but one word.
- Do you know what that word is? - Oh, no.
- I have to sneeze. - What?
I have to sneeze.
But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
If you sneeze, it is very important
that you clench at the same time.
Aaron.
I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
- Listen to me. - Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open.
Open your eyes.
- You're being selfish. - I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
- Is it still in? - I think I broke a rib.
- Hello, to you. - Hi.
I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
Let's see.
Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
Not yet.
Well, stick us on that then, please.
Two first-class tickets?
- No. - Yeah.
Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
- All right. - No.
I want to visit my dad.
It was your idea.
That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier.
So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
What favor?
You know. The favor that I did earlier.
My mind's a blank.
- Oh! He means the heroin. - Nope.
- His bum's all full of heroin. - He doesn't mean that.
- No, no, no. - I'm a terrible drug addict.
- Mule! - No.
- He's a mule! - No.
- You're the devil. - Perfect.
All right, I want my package now.
I'm not gonna give you the drugs
until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
Okay.
- Are you ticklish? - Okay, stop.
- Give me the package.
Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop!